i'm so tired. i can't sleep, i'm so disturbed and petrified with the same nightmares i get every night. maybe i think too much. sometimes, i have doubts in loving someone. i don't feel secure.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
- 12:49 AM
2006 have not been a good year for me.. so i've plan wad to do before 2007 comes...
- anxiety management
causes: Heart Palpitations Shortness of Breath Anxiety Attacks Sleepless Nights Fear of Social Situations Inability to Relax Worry, Worry, Worry
i've to stop my anxiety... or i'll suffer. i've to achieve or the ability to have:
Personal Self-Confidence Top Performance on the Job Relaxation in Social Settings Ability to Have Fun Again Belief in Yourself Peaceful Sleep Daily Joy and Serenity
- to learn the art of Feng Shui
It is so important to stay positive and constantly filled with good, flowing energy. If i do so, my life and all the things i am surrounded by will represent such wonderful qualities as health, happiness, prosperity, love and contentment. Bedroom is a place where i spend 1/3 of my time so having proper balance of yin and yang is very essential, some yang energy is essential, because it helps me to stay motivated get going with my day-to-day chores but too much yang on the other hand can drive me nuts! It can make me feel chaotic, frenzied and over-stimulated. It can make me feel too passionate, so that i can never just sit back and relax in my own bed room. Feng Shui bed room tip is that to keep my beds in a position that provides a solid wall behind me for support. Using this position puts me in visual command of the space, and allows me to face life directly, both literally and symbolically.
- beginning afresh
What is good about the dawn of a new year is that it gives us an incentive to 'start again', to discard the bad habits of the previous year and to begin afresh. We might resolve to meditate more assiduously, be more tolerant of others, to develop a greater to kindness in challenging situations, to resolve to follow the five precepts more consistently, to give more freely, and to be more focused on what is really important in life. The five precepts are:
1. I undertake to abstain from harming living beings 2. I undertake to abstain from taking what is not given 3. I undertake to abstain from sexual misconduct 4. I undertake to abstain from false speech 5. I undertake to abstain from intoxicating drugs or drink
- fit in fitness
The evidence is in for fitness. Regular exercise has been associated with more health benefits than anything else known to man. Studies show that it reduces the risk of some cancers, increases longevity, helps achieve and maintain weight loss, enhances mood, lowers blood pressure, and even improves arthritis. In short, exercise keeps me healthy and makes me look and feel better.
- get out of dept
Money was a big source of stress in my life this year. I have to work hard, and earn more.
- reduce and control stress
Be realistic. If you feel overwhelmed by some activities (yours and/or your family’s), learn to say NO! Eliminate an activity that is not absolutely necessary. You may be taking on more responsibility than you can or should handle. If you meet resistance, give reasons why you’re making the changes. Be willing to listen to other’s suggestions and be ready to compromise.
Shed the “superman/superwoman” urge. No one is perfect, so don’t expect perfection from yourself or others. Ask yourself, “What really needs to be done?” How much can I do? Is the deadline realistic? What adjustments can I make?” Don’t hesitate to ask for help if you need it.
Meditate. Just ten to twenty minutes of quiet reflection may bring relief from chronic stress as well as increase your tolerance to it. Use the time to listen to music, relax and try to think of pleasant things or nothing.
Visualize. Use your imagination and picture how you can manage a stressful situation more successfully. Whether it’s a business presentation or moving to a new place, many people feel visual rehearsals boost self-confidence and enable them to take a more positive approach to a difficult task.
Take one thing at a time. For people under tension or stress, an ordinary workload can sometimes seem unbearable. The best way to cope with this feeling of being overwhelmed is to take one task at a time. Pick one urgent task and work on it. Once you accomplish that task, choose the next one. The positive feeling of “checking off” tasks is very satisfying. It will motivate you to keep going.
Exercise. Regular exercise is a popular way to relieve stress. Twenty to thirty minutes of physical activity benefits both the body and the mind.
Hobbies. Take a break from your worries by doing something you enjoy. Whether it’s gardening or painting, schedule time to indulge your interest.
Healthy life style. Good nutrition makes a difference. Limit intake of caffeine and alcohol (alcohol actually disturbs regular sleep patterns), get adequate rest, exercise, and balance work and play.
Share your feelings. A conversation with a friend lets you know that you are not the only one having a bad day, caring for a sick child or working in a busy office. Stay in touch with friends and family. Let them provide love, support and guidance. Don’t try to cope alone.
Give in occasionally. Be flexible! If you find you’re meeting constant opposition in either your personal or professional life, rethink your position or strategy. Arguing only intensifies stressful feelings. If you know you are right, stand your ground, but do so calmly and rationally. Make allowances for other’s opinions and be prepared to compromise. If you are willing to give in, others may meet you halfway. Not only will you reduce your stress, you may find better solutions to your problems.
Go easy with criticism. You may expect too much of yourself and others. Try not to feel frustrated, let down, disappointed or even “trapped” when another person does not measure up. The “other person” may be a wife, a husband, or child whom you are trying to change to suit yourself. Remember, everyone is unique, and has his or her own virtues, shortcomings, and right to develop as an individual.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
- 4:31 AM
i miss him today.
one off day gone, i thought i could spend it with hun. but i guess, he's tired.
i miss him now.
he might be sleeping now. i don't know.
Friday, September 08, 2006
- 9:52 AM
T.G.I.F! yeah.. it've been a frustrating week for me. schedule packed with courses dat i have to attend and never ending trainings that've been going on. office hours sucks big time. really...
to my dearest Nelly... your story, translated in English..your request is my command... you wanted your story to be written in my blog...
..."men will be men. many of them had mistress, just like Hyr...
and in fact, they were renowned for it. i hated the fact that i had been lied ,again. i wondered how stupid i must have been, not to have realised. how wilfully blind i had been. i wondered why. i should have known right from the start.
i've been crying alot, lately.
my new office's too small, and it smelt of fresh paint and of coz, stale cigarette smoke. i sat on the floor and trying to pull myself together. first of all, i regulate my breathing.
i wish i could run a deep, hot bath.
have been trying to comfort myself with platitudes. hoping that everything will be alright. people went through the process all the time, not, perhabs, exactly the same, not the discovery that their partner was essentially a bigamist, but relationships that had been supposed to last for ever did go wrong, and they went wrong every day. people deceived each other.
lots of people were divorced. they had all been through this heartache.
and lots of people lost their child. many mother grew old childless. my situation was nothing special; it was just part of the human condition.
this may have been true, but it was not cheering. i had wanted to give Alysa the perfect life, and now i was not going to manage it. Alysa passed away, eventually. i would now, sooner or later, have to accept the fact that i've lost everything, but not Allah...
In practical sense, living without Hyr was going to be easy. i am used to having a part time husband. i was trying to absorb the fact that he had been doubling up as a part time husband and father to another family. I had never known him at all. the gentle, caring soul mate i had adored had been a figment of my imagination. i tried to stop myself revisiting scenes from the past 4 years, but i could not help re-evaluating every missed calls, every unavoidable birthday absence and its accompanying mortified phone call, in the light of the truth.
i took Alysa's picture out of my drawer. i did not need to look at it again. touching it was enough. i tried to hold on to the fact that she had loved me. the one person who had really loved me, my only daughter, had died.
i was accustomed to being the only unit. i would get on all right without him. it was the rejection that i could not bear. i was humiliated, discarded, second best. his words sounded in my head, far too often. you've always been the other. i had never been The One. he had probably enjoyed it all along, knowing that i was going to be hurt.
i imagined him laughing at my delusions of security. i wanted to curl up and die. i had never tought of myself as a bad judge of character. i had flattered myself by assuming that i was perceptive. i started to wonder what else had been going on beneath my nose without my realising it.
i wondered if i would ever be able to think of Hyr as Hyr. i don't think so. i wondered if one day i would go from one month to another without thinking of him at all.
i was not sure that i was strong enough. i didn't think i could manage to be on my own all the time. i had no partner and i lost my daughter. both of them had chosen to leave me. no one loved me best.
i could not bear it. i didn't know whether to go back to gramp's or whether to stay in this house,alone. Either way, i could barely see difference, i realised i was crying, silently.
I had always prided myself on self control, and now i could do nothing but cry. i cried for my mother, who had put her mania above everything else, including me. i cried for Hyr, and for Alysa. i cried for myself. the whole world was miserable. i felt desperate for some sort of comfort. there was nothing. i wanted to scream with pain, so i did. i did not care who heard me. i shook with the sobs, glad that there was a tempest outside. i could not control myself anymore. i gasped for breath. i had only ever lost control like this once before, when i was in labour.
i slid onto the floor and curled up into a ball, hiccuping and trembling, all dignity gone..."
..for Nurul Nellida Naim.. p.s hope you'll be alright there...
(ok, i cried when i read her actual story which was written in malay.)
i love you nelly... :)
Sunday, September 03, 2006
- 7:47 PM
woke up at 2pm till now i've nothing to do. a lazy sunday indeed.
hun called just now. fiza, that over grown baby, is at his place now. wondering if he's coming over for dinner. mom cooked naan today. had 1 piece only coz it's very filling. i'm bored!! what shall i do now... tried to rectify some problems on mom's pc but i failed. maybe, i'll get hun to rectify that problematic pc.
quarrelled wit Zack in msn just now. bloody sickening idiot he is..
i kinda like my new blog skin. lurrrveee the grafics..
i think i'm tired already. gonna sleep soon..
*listening to Kupu² Malam - PeterPan
- 7:21 PM
Invincible - Muse
follow through make your dreams come true don't give up the fight you will be alright 'cause there's no one like you in the universe
don't be afraid what your mind conceives you should make a stand stand up for what you believe and tonight we can truly say together we're invincible
during the struggle they will pull us down but please, please let's use this chance to turn things around and tonight we can truly say together we're invincible
do it on your own it makes no difference to me what you leave behind what you choose to be and whatever they say your souls unbreakable
during the struggle they will pull us down but please, please let's use this chance to turn things around and tonight we can truly say together we're invincible together we're invincible
during the struggle they will pull us down please, please let's use this chance to turn things around and tonight we can truly say together we're invincible together we're invincible
Saturday, September 02, 2006
- 8:05 PM
this song is especially for you...
- 5:50 PM
i'm back after 10months missing in action. missed me? i know u do! :) heeeess...
Now let me update...
11th June 2006 - Sri Rahayuningsih's Wedding.. my bestie..
i'm so proud of her..really do... it was a gr8 wedding and i wish them all the best! (i was her bride's maid..hehe)
18th June 2006 - Ahmed Zaki's Wedding.. my Brother..
yeah.. wedding back to back.. too tired and didn't get enuf sleep as well. i had high fever and it almost spoilt my day. 40deg, are you CRAZY!?! bOi came to the rescue... as always... :) anyways.. my bro's wedding was a blast. everything went well except for some stupid aunty problems.
14th July 2006 - my 21st...
a birthday surprise at Ministry of Sound. altho' it like a few months ago.. my big shout outs to bOi, Kidd, both Farhans, Shahril, Ah Hock, ZzaD, Fadil, Salmiah, Mas, Adila, Ryn, Didi Cazli and Hafidz for the splendid PARTY cum Birthday Surprise.. much Luv!!
11th August 2006 - Fireworks Festival
thanks hun... (pic was taken at Benjamin Shears Bridge E.C.P) yeah we were one of them who stops the the espressway to witness this shit! i love FIREWORKS!!
14th August 2006 - Suria Mestika Gathering
Alright, i'll make it more precise.. Suria Mestika is my first and my last Dikir Barat group. from 1998-2004. yeah.. i had smashing good time at the chalet. met my fellow mates. still the same ol' people. still as corny and crazy as ever.. i'll miss them very much!!
26th August 2006 - WOMAD 2006
just the 6 of us.. me,hun,tiq,khai,kidd and along. but we really do enjoyed ourselves.
THATS ALL for today folks... just updating..
Saturday, December 24, 2005
- 9:37 PM
*for you,with love...
i came, stayed and left. mused over all those cherishable moments that we once shared, it made my heart sank. and realised my sky has lost it's colour.
i'm abashed, for knowing you too well. and reluctant for loving you still.
nothing good comes easily and it's you.
things are different now and we have changed. i still think of you every minute every second but life still go on 'cos i want it unchanged.
one last chance if you could grant it to paint my colourless sky so it would live again i pledge myself and i will keep you forever
or i would just leave, and never come back...
** i missed you, yes i do. i'll keep you, that's the truth.
Hear me more
My name is Aly and i'm 21 years old.
I love chocolates and home cooked food.
Pure Javanese Singaporean.
The youngest in my family also in my office.
I enjoy good music and spending quality time with my loved ones.